I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
