What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize