my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
