Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
