only if we run a train.
done.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
