i really wish james franco would like my vagina
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Semen is not good for contacts.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
