Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
