I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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