Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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