Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize