Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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