I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
