Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
