omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
