hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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