he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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