you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
