so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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