it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
