He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
