And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
People in love make me want to vomit
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
