Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
