Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
