wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
