yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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