mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize