Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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