How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My ass is underappreciated
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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