I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
