The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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