Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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