I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Please, let me fuck your mom
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
