I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize