so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
