Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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