Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize