So drunk, too bad you don't want this
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
