he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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