I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
