Do you still have your period?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
