I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
