guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
