standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
