You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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