the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
