She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
