First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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