Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
