um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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