just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
