Yo dont text me then not text me
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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