So drunk its hurt
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize