i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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