around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
