Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
