dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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