I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's no shave November. This is our time.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
