I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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