oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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