wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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