His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
