I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize