The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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