My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
