Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
