I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
