the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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