Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
