you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
