you would pick up someone in the library
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
