You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
